Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Burnout...I've been trying hard to avoid talking in depth about this on the blog. Not sure why...except that maybe to me it makes me feel like somehow I'm a failure. I know that I know that we are blessed to be able to do this. I know that I'm convinced that we are here because we have followed God's lead. Even so, I still have moments that I'm so ready to NOT be doing this. And that makes me feel like somehow I'm missing it, or that I've failed in our little adventure, and in addition, that I'm disappointing Steve. There are many lessons learned, and there are many awesome memories made, and yet, I'm publicly admitting that I desperately long for what I knew as "normal." Truthfully, it has really brought to the forefront all my weaknesses...and even those in Steve and the kids, too. It isn't pretty to see all the ways that I fall short, and I can't say that I love that. It has brought all the weak spots in our marriage and in our parenting out into the open. While there is a part of me that knows that is a good thing, a great thing even, it is challenging to say the least...I think partially because without a steady community of friends, family, and church, it is difficult to feel like we have the tools & support that we need to adequately address those weaknesses....or maybe we're just too busy seeing the sites to devote the time, attention, prayer & Biblestudy to address them adequately. The result is that I'm in a slump. We're looking at wrapping this adventure up around summer's end, and I want to finish strong; I really do. Nonetheless, I'm struggling to embrace where we are and do the hard but necessary and rewarding work of fortifying my marriage and family...in the end, I'm pretty sure that God didn't lead us on this journey just to see his amazing creation and cool sites. I'm certain it was more about this hard stuff that I'm struggling with. Sooo...if you feel led, please pray for me, for our marriage, for our family, for purpose and direction going forward. There's a lot of uncertainty on the horizon for us, and while I am convinced that God is in control, I very much want Steve & I to have the discernment to hear his voice, the courage to follow where he leads, and the peace and unity only he can provide.