Speaking of new beginnings, you can't have a new beginning without change. And I've been examining my own approach to change. In short...I'm resistant to it, even if it's something good, even if it's something I've hoped for, prayed for, strongly desired. And if it's something that I've wanted & pursued, I'm always shocked after the fact when I realize I'm having trouble adjusting to it. Take for example, the latest big change...from a family of four to a family of five, from two kids to three. Okay, I've devoted much mental energy to determining if and when would be the right time since Alyssa was born over five years ago. And now that the time is here, why does it surprise me that the change is difficult??
Well, for starters, I just realized that change is difficult for the simple reason that it requires adjustment. And my job description just changed. I wanted it to change, am happy that it changed, but change is change. My list of responsibilities didn't just get shorter; no, it just got longer. All good, but again, figuring out how to fit all of the old responsibilities in -- mom to Alyssa, mom to Shanan, wife to Steve, friend, sister, daughter, child of God, not to mention teacher, chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener...you get the idea--while adding mom to Genna, a newborn who is dependent on me for meeting all her needs, well, shouldn't I be forgiving of myself for the adjustment? I wouldn't have it any other way, and in no way am I discontent with where I am, but there are moments where it feels hard. As long as I forgive myself for feeling that sometimes, I can be content in the moment. Those hard times are balanced by moments of complete satisfaction with where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm becoming and who my children are, who they're becoming, and where our family is going. I'm not always sure what the path will look like today, but I know where we're heading.